Your mother was a Hampster
by Terixis
Summary: This is my first fanfic, and it's messed up. Rated M for swearing.


This is my first fanfic, yay. Invader Zim and characters belong to Jhonen.

* * *

_Log, stardate Sunday, August 17, '08_

_Four months ago, my planet was invaded by a tiny alien force of one alien and his robot-dog hybrid. I have catalogued his many attempts at fitting in, his excursions into the city, his many remarks on fast food joints. Even now, I have followed him from skool, to his freakish home, to this freakish park, where I watch him from this bush as he watches the many children play, push, and scream like the writhing mass of insanity that they are. Zim's dog appears to be eating the gravel around the climber and aug!—_

"Hiya Dib!"

"Wha?"

Dib turned around, and found watching him from the reverse of the bush a giddy looking kid. You know how sometimes you can just tell someone is retarded by looking at them? That's how it was with this kid.

"What—You're Keef, aren't you? Shouldn't the special bus have taken you home by now?"

"Oh, I decided not to take the bus when I saw you and Zim heading off together! Heeheehee!" some drool dribbled down his chin. "I followed you! AREN'T YOU HAPPY? Aren't you happy with meeEEee?"

"uhh"

"Now we can have some jolly fun together! EEEeeeee! Zim! Zim!" And he ran off to get Zim.

"No, Keef! Zim and I aren't here together—aug! Fuck that little tart!"

_Log, stardate Fyrshtaht, low cycle, third year, day 26 or so, it is so hard to keep track away from home. I have in filtrated the human skool system with surprising ease, and have currently embarked on a quest to understand these filthy, sex obsessed creatures._XP _Now, Gir and I are researching the behaviour of Earth's matriarchs and their young, as they engage in activity in this war neutral zone PARK device. As I download these thoughts I am aug!–_

"Zim! It's me! Aren't you glad to see me? I've missed you so much!!" And Keef hugged Zim.

"Aug get off me you little queer!"

Zim pushed Keef off. Keef was still happy as a dribbling crack baby, which he may actually be, as he was still dribbling, and one can only wonder at the problems of the little characters created by Jhonen.

"But Zim, it's been so long! Don't you remember the fun day we had together?"

"Of course I do, but if you'll remember I fired you, so piss off."

"Aww, don't be like that. What about you Gir? Don't you still love me? Gir?"

"Zim!" So exclaiming Dib burst from the shade, and hit Godzilla with a bat grenade.

"Dib? What are you doing here?"

"I'll always be here to stop your bastard plans, but right now I'm here to stop you from liquefying this special ed student!"

"How the bloody hell am I going to liquefy him in the middle of a fucking park, Dib, you twat?"

"Gir? Hello?"

"I don't know; you're evil so it stands to reason that you're going to do evil things—what the fucking bloody hell?"

"Hello Gir!! I Missed yoooo!"

_Starda-te t-t-t-t st-st- da-date date date date Sunday Saturday Saturday Saturday Sunday Aw- Aw- Aw-gist 16 17 17 17 181 7 17 –7 sh—hs a-s—smdp sj—ah the pebbles master! The pebbles are like little coloured candies oh they're s beautiful oh my circuits, oh mighty programmer—er above TwT bi-bov-ve oh—_

And Keef hug-tackled Gir.

"Mothger fuckerz sonofabitch ac cock cunt fuckfuckfucj fucker aug!"

"What the fuck was that?"

"You've seen Gir before."

"I've never heard him shout off a bunch of obscenities in the middle of a park."

"It's not my fault he's got Tourets. He just does."

"How the fuck can a robot have Tourets?"

"Yay Gir! I fucking love you too!"

"I'm an alien, my robot can have whatever disease I want."

"What the fuck kind of logic is that—uh"

Zim and Dib noticed the huge mob of angry career mothers and their confused spawn.

"Mommy mommy wats a cock?"

"What the hell do you kids think you're doing, mouthing off like that?"

"Who taught kids your age to use such foul language?"

"Have you been watching that dirty South Park show?"

"That dirty, dirty show. "

Meanwhile, Gir was still getting molested by Keef.

"Who's a good doggy, who's a good boy!"

"Fuckfuckcuntfucker sonofa goddamn twat!"

"Aug there you go again!" said Angry Mother.

"That's not us! That's my dog!"

"What do you take us for?"

"That's completely ridiculous!"

These words are underlined.

"Are you even a kid? You look like a dirty damn bloody hobo!"

"Boo! Get out of our park you dirty man!"

"Yeah go back to your trash can dirty hobo man!"

"You can't kick me out of a park! It's neutral war ground!"

"What the fuck, Zim? No it's not."

"What? Then why are all the mothers outside when the war is still going on?"

"The war is in Iraq, Zim. It's not over here. You dumbass."

"What's he talking about?"

"He's talking about the war in Iraq!"

"Go and fuck George Bush in hell, you fucking hobo war monger!"

"Piss off, dirty fucking hobo!"

"You stupid human women! You should be supporting your war by staying at home and propagating more soldiers for the next battle wave!"

o.o

"Oh my God" said Dib.

"What about your God?"

"God, Zim, you don't just say things like that to—"

"Argh he's hating on us!

"Woman hater!"

"Hate crime!"

"Hating bastard!"

"Aug you sodding prick!"

"Hater hate hate hate!"

"ARGH"

"Who's a good boy Girgir?"

"Sonofashit dickfuck!"

You could just feel them snap.

And they did.

Sometime later, after being chased from the park by a mob of angry women trailing their spawn, Zim, Dib, and Gir were back in Zim's neighbourhood.

"Well Zim, I hope you've learned something from this horrible mess."

"Yes, Dibstink, I have."

"And what's that?"

"That by sacrificing the weakest link, one can escape the psycho bitches. Yay—yeah."

"You really don't feel any remorse for letting them kill Keef, do you?"

"Remorse? I don't know the meaning of the word."

"I should have guessed."

"Yes. Now bugger off." And Zim marched into his freaky glowing house.

Dib sighed.

_Log: Later that evening._

_This afternoon's excursion was an ordeal the likes of which I would rather have lived without, but, actually, I may have learned a lot about Zim today._


End file.
